Heartbreak purge
gahd damn.
I walked a path again I didn’t even recognise, the passing of time changed the colours of the trees
It seemed more beautiful today, I felt self assured to take this walk, some kind of pleasant idea at the time. There was a glow in the leaves.
I realised (only on my way back to be honest), this was the same path I’d been on before. But since I took a different route to get here I didn’t clock it was the same path. Anyway, it felt metaphorical for some things in life right now.
It was like a glorified version of the past and it took me some time on the trek to reckon with a disheartening reality.
This path led me to turn around and head back home when I realised it was a dead end. I’d been here before, something was familiar. A pattern I noted, (thank you therapy). I know better now that I have a choice with where I go and with who. I appreciate all the beauty I witnessed on my way and I won’t forget it, the scenery was serene. I enjoyed it nonetheless but I know better now, I have a choice to turn around and go home if site seeing might hurt me this much.
It’s not so much that I turned around scathed, but the anticipation and threats were enough to scare me and grow mistrusting.
I don’t blame you for taking me back there, back home, I feel grateful for it. It truly does feel spiritual, like the idea of returning to yourself. I did it quite literally and metaphorically. Home can mean a lot of things. Safety, security, salvation, solitude. I didn’t feel it here on this path, I knew had to leave and that broke my heart.
I hope that the colours stay vibrant in the leaves of these trees, that one day when someone walks this path they aren’t walking through an illusion that I sometimes felt it was. I hope you can one day grow to feel sure of yourself, I hope you feel sure of the path you’ve paved and the trees that surround it. I always thought the walk was beautiful.
I soon became aware of the axes that hacked away at your trees but even still I would never deny their beauty. These axes stuck in the trunks you would tell me were from the past, there were others who had thrown them and hacked away at the trees leaving them looking kind of busted and it made you quite sad. But the thing is, it wasn’t really ever a problem that they existed or that there were obvious signs of damage to these trees, but rather what I soon discovered what you would one day do with them. I made attempts to suggest ways to remove them or use them as ways for the trees to grow stronger roots, growing closer to heaven maybe you’d see there’s a silver lining. But instead you would throw them at me. I was disheartened, heartbroken at your decision. And the more they came flying, the more tired I grew in trying to dodge them, ignore their threat and deny they were hurting. I denied for a while, I wanted to walk this path longer, to see it through and be proven wrong to the potential reality that I was maybe in danger.
But even worse than the act itself of throwing axes (or sometimes at least threatening to), was that you never really understood it wasn’t okay to do that. Even more disturbing was that it was beyond your comprehension that doing this might ever warrant someone’s decision to turn around and walk the other way.
This reality made my heart bleed out more than the axes that struck my chest.
And though you promised changed, and though you begged for me to stay on this path with you, I was frozen in fear and growing mistrust. What evidence did I have to believe that my next two metres I was not going to be hurt? I was scared and it became hard to experience the beauty that struck me when I first walked this wasy. It takes time to pull an axe from a tree, it takes time for roots to grow, it takes time for any part of nature to thrive, seasons come and go, time strengthens the foundations for something better. ‘Any part of nature’ includes you and us.
I hope that one day the next person to walk down this path does not find themselves fearful of their next step, a feeling of pending doom and anticipation of pain looming the corner. One foot wrong and the fear of punishment awaits them. I hope they feel no desire to turn around and go home. I hope they can stay and witness all the beauty in all its sincerity that I once saw in you.
And to be honest, all the beauty I still believe in and will always see in you.
